From my journal, 8/17
As I sit here and think, it comes to me that exactly a year ago my refrain was 'this life is beautiful'. I wonder what could happen in a year to change me so much that it is no longer so easy to say those words. The girl that I am now is less naive, less innocent, more tolerant, more accepting, less picky, less sheltered. But my heart has grown a protective barrier, and I no longer feel things so deeply. It hurts to see pain and suffering and dirt and disease and starvation and begging and you can only handle so much before the questions of "what can I do?" and "how can I help?" become overwhelming. So perhaps I have grown more self-centered?, wanting to protect myself and my heart and my mind from being sucked dry and going crazy. Is this acceptable in Your eyes to work for good but not give up all? Even as I write this it sounds wrong, but I really don't know know if I can do it.
In regards to the beautiful life, my conclusion is this: pain and wisdom make the beauty less surfacely apparent; it takes effort and purpose to see the good in this world God created. And it is this we should strive for: Beauty in the visibly beautiful, in the comforts and luxury and cool breezes and rushing water, don't require work to appreciate. But beauty in the sorrow, in the richness of colors in the fruit market, in the cacophony of sounds in the evening street, in the wrinkled lines on the village elder's face, sitting on his front porch, in the animated though calloused hands of the man in the hammock shop, in the shy smile of the deaf woman serving coffee, in the eager curiosity of foreigners first meeting. Even the damp, stringy hair of the woman begging on the street, the old bearded man sitting cross-legged and forlorn in a doorway, the shirtless boys roaming the streets with every rib showing. This beauty is harder to see. But God wants His children to see His world, and to feel something. To appreciate His creation, and to do something. And this means that through the dirt, I will find beauty. Though the sorrow, I can still sing.
I'm a twenty-something from the Pacific NW making home in new places as I follow where God leads.
My intent is to show Christ's love to the world and use business to solve some of the social problems we face: hunger, illiteracy, healthcare, economic hardship. For now, I'm in a stage of learning. A little adventuring, a few books, some good friends, and a whole lot of prayer and life runs on.