So life has been crazily up and down lately. When I'm the rational, no-nonsense, plans-and-lists Jenna, I can write out why exactly I should be happy ... but my emotions don't always seem to match that. For example now: I have only 2 (semi-easy) finals left tomorrow, I have an Enactus team breakfast at Elmer's tomorrow morning, I have some fun (likely) summer plans coming together, Tiera is coming home tomorrow, and my family is going to Palm Desert for spring break. But I can't seem to muster up the enthusiasm this warrants. I know tomorrow after I nail these finals (hopefully) and set off for home, the excitement will hit, but it is unlike me to be so gray-feeling for so long.
I seem to be more introspective these days (months?), evaluating my motives and thoughts and feelings and goals; and it is tiring. I want to follow God's plan for my life but feel very pulled to follow the traditional plan that society urges. It seems every day I am told what I should seek after, what career I should take, what is logical and normal and good. But I don't want to fit that mold anymore and I know God has called me to another purpose. Still, it is going to take serious grace and confidence in Christ to shield against "the norms" of society, friends, family, etc. and pursue the unique plan He has for me. Plus I am always wondering whether this is me secretly trying to follow my own selfish wants. These days I am so glad for journaling because when I am doubting I can look back on times when God's will was so clear and bold and feel re-energized in this plan.
So I'm going to accept my feelings right now and hope that tomorrow wakes with a smile and brighter outlook. I tell myself that individual days will have their ups and downs and as long as my overall life trajectory is one of optimism and smiles, I am doing well. God never promised sunshine for 100% of the time, and as long as I walk with Him I can be promised of sunshine in the future -- and a shelter to hide under in times of rain.
Spring is here. And it is beautiful, brisk, foggy, late nights, late mornings, international business, team meetings, tests of faith, sunny days, marketing lectures, early mornings, nights at the gym, music-filled walks to school, my green polka-dot umbrella, classes with friends, classes with no one, missing South Caicos, planning for summer, asking God His will, enjoying young group, long drives, sister talks on the phone, scholarship essays, interviews, counting down days, not counting days, coveting family time, hard talks, trying to be mindful, just loving life as it is.
That is my wish: to keep my head up, be in the moment, and appreciate life as it is -- fun and not fun, interesting and not, simple and challenging. God's plan is not always easy and I'm seeing through the glass pretty darkly right now (1 Cor 13:12), but someday it will be clear. He always comes through for us so why would this time be any different?!
As for appreciating life, I had one of those moments a couple of weeks ago when I was walking through the quad by the library. I passed person after person who were engaged in their phones, with their headphones, staring at the group, hurrying; and I wanted to just look up to the sky and smile and say 'Look at all that God has given me today!' I don't want to wake up one day and have slept through these weeks or dreamed them away; I have so much to be thankful for TODAY.
For example... (my month catch-up)
Erika and I had a fun Valentines Day in Corvallis. The day before, we sent a surprise to Tressa and Christa in Iowa, then I woke up Friday to a rose from my own roommate! She's too cute. I had a mock interview for class but it went great and then I headed home for the weekend.
Bekah's wedding weekend went way too fast and the snow sadly cancelled some of our planned bonding time the week before, but I got to grab lunch with her one Monday morning to have some good catch-up time. It was great to have some spiritual conversations and much-needed alignment and encouragement that weekend as well; God truly does know what we need!
Sisters Christmas was at Eagle Crest this year and it was absolutely wonderful to be back there-- I haven't been to central Oregon in a couple years. We had a laid-back weekend of games, gabbing, good snacks, naps, walking quaint downtown Sisters, getting hot coffee, and appreciating the views. Sunday morning was an early but tranquil drive back to Silverton amid mountains and firs blanketed in snow, and perfect blue skies through the pass.
These past couple of weeks have blown by as well; for Kyla's birthday we made Papa Del's pizza (only the best pizza in the world, found in Champaign, IL)-- which DID live up to expectations, and another weekend I went out with a friend from South Caicos who goes to UP. It was great to talk TCI and hear of her life these days.
Now I am sitting in my sweats, just finished my last essay for classes this term, and should be getting to bed for my last day of winter term classes tomorrow. It has definitely flown by. Shock of shocks I've actually been getting decent sleep this term too (helps to have a roommate that goes to bed semi-early). So I better not ruin that tonight. ;)
I'm a twenty-something from the Pacific NW making home in new places as I follow where God leads.
My intent is to show Christ's love to the world and use business to solve some of the social problems we face: hunger, illiteracy, healthcare, economic hardship. For now, I'm in a stage of learning. A little adventuring, a few books, some good friends, and a whole lot of prayer and life runs on.